Joke #4368

Priest to woman: ‘I don’t think you’ll ever find another man like your late husband.’ Woman: ‘Who’s going to look?’

My wife has given me a reason to live – revenge.

What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!

I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.

Wife:"I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband:"You have perfect eyesight."

A lot of things have changed in my life since I got to know that my girlfriend got pregnant. My name, living address, phone number...

They are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called the vicar who had married her. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I have had a dreadful fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the Reverend, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what on earth am I going to do with the body?"

My wife and I have agreed never to go to bed angry with one another. So far we’ve been up for three weeks.

I never married because there was no need – I have three pets which serve the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.

Wife to husband: ‘When I married you you said you had an ocean-going yacht!’ Husband: ‘Shut up and row.’