Priest to woman: ‘I don’t think you’ll ever find another man like your late husband.’
Woman: ‘Who’s going to look?’
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A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear gold tonight."
The wife replies, "Why not wear silver and come second for a change?"
A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Warming up your dinner."
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Ladies, don’t forget the jumble sale.
It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
A runaway man from prison that was sentenced for life, has stayed in for 25 years.
While trying to find a place to hide, he enters a newlywed’s house, ties the man in a chair in a corner of the room and ties the woman in the bed.
He climbs on the bed, on top of the woman and appears to be kissing her neck.
Then he gets up and leaves the room.
Immediately the husband drags his chair up to the bed and whispers to his wife: "My love, this man hasn’t seen a woman for many years. I saw him kissing your neck and rushing out. Just play nice with him and do as he asks you to. If he wants to have sex with you just agree and pretend that you like it. Whatever you do, don’t go against his will and upset him. Both our lives are at your hands right now, be strong and remember that I love you."
As soon as the half naked woman recovers from the shock of what she just heard, she says: "Honey, I feel very relieved that you see it this way. You are right, this man has not seen a woman for years but he wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering to me. He said that he finds you very cute and asked me if we have Vaseline in the bathroom! Be strong and remember that I love you too!"
I provide technical support for the computer software published by my company.
One day, over the phone, I was helping a customer install a product on a Macintosh.
The procedure required him to delete an old file.
On the Mac, there is an icon of a trash can that is used to collect items to be permanently deleted.
I told the customer to click on the old file and drag it to the trash.
Then I had him perform a few other steps. As a reminder, I said, "Don't forget to empty the trash."
Obediently he replied, "Yes, dear."
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A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A husband and wife are eating soup.
The wife spills soup all over her and says:
"Oh no, I look like a pig"
"Yes and you also have soup all over you!"