Joke #4368

Priest to woman: ‘I don’t think you’ll ever find another man like your late husband.’ Woman: ‘Who’s going to look?’

Q. Why don't little girls fart? A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.

Marriages are made in Heaven – but then again, so are thunder and lightning.

I fell in love with my wife at second sight. The first time I didn’t know she had money.

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."

Husband: "Shall we try a different position tonight?" Wife: "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day? simple it is just a formality like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!!

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet. Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? do you rule your roost?" The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees." "What happened then?" they ask. "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”