We were so poor we couldn’t get rid of the roaches in our house because they paid half the rent.
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Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.
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The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.
If Asda is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the shop free yet?
Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"
The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."
The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."
Insurance never covers you against damage sustained by Chuck Norris, as it's classed as an Act of God!
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Q: Why is a blood bank more profitable than a sperm bank?
A: The sperm is handmade.
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An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child.
A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician.
After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued:
"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered."
The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills.
She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.
Uncle gives little Johnny a £5 note for his birthday.
‘Spend it carefully,’ says Uncle.
‘Remember – a fool and his money are soon parted.’
Little Johnny replies, ‘Well you certainly handed it over fast enough.’