Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
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Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones?
Because they're hand made.
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My wife beamed at me with pride and said, "Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!"
I said, "This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter."
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Q: What do you call a Jew with a mental disability?
A: Auschwitztic.
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The reason why women will never be the ones who propose is that as soon as they get on their knees, man starts unzipping.
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Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?
A: I haven't seen you for a year!
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Q: How do you get 15,000 followers?
A: Run through Africa with a water bottle.
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What's the best way to pick up a Jewish girl?
Bring a dustpan to Auschwitz
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Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.
But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
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Patient: “Doctor, Doctor… I can’t stop stealing things”.
Doctor: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have a color TV”.
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What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
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