Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
Vote:
Similar jokes
See also best jokes rated by other visitors or new jokes.
My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
Vote:
Q: What do you call a Jew with a mental disability?
A: Auschwitztic.
Vote:
What's white and bobs up and down in a baby's crib ?
A Pedophiles ass.
Vote:
What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
Vote:
Two hunters are out in the wood when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator:"My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies:"Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter seys,"Ok, now what?"
Vote:
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.
Vote:
Why was the cannibal fined by the judge?
He was caught poaching.
Vote:
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Vote:
Q: Why are jelly beans alot like the world?
A: Because everyone hates the black ones.
Vote:
Use to be we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steven Jobs.
Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs.
Please do not die Kevin Bacon.
Vote: