Death is God’s way of saying, ‘Hey, you’re not alive any more.’
Q. What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common? A. They both live off dead Beatles.
What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning? Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.
Awwww, kids. They blow up so fast... Get it, kids grow up so fast.
Q: What was Hitler's favorite toy as a kid? A: An Easy-Bake Oven.
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven. Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!" St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick. No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.
Q. Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 10 years? A. Michael Jackson
Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.
What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law? There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.
Granny congratulates Johny to his birthday and tells him: "May you live so many years, how many steps you made to the church during these years!" Suddenly appears the Death and tells Johny: "Have you heard your Granny's wish? So, pack up your suitcases, tomorrow you'll finally go with me, mac! Those 4 steps will not save ya!"