Death is God’s way of saying, ‘Hey, you’re not alive any more.’
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How many dead babies does it take to change a tire?
Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it incase it explodes.
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On the day of my big job interview I woke up late.
Frantically I threw on a suit.
"OH NO!" I thought. "MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn't there to help me, and for the life of me, I did not know how to tie a tie!"
I grabbed a tie and ran out the door.
"Excuse me sir," I said to the crossing guard, "I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!"
"Sure," said the guard, "just lie down on this bench."
Well if someone was going to help me I wasn't going to ask any questions.
After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down.
"Well in my previous job I learned how to tie ties on other people when they were lying down." he replied.
"What was your previous job?" I asked incredulously.
"I ran a morgue." was the reply.
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Why are little girls better than little boys?
Because when you're finished using them as little girls, you can turn them over and use them as little boys.
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Two cannibals were having their dinner.
One said to the other "I don't like your friend."
The other one said, "Well, put him to one side and just eat the vegetables."
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Strong people don't put other people down.
They lift them up and slam them to the ground for maximum impact.
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Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads?
Because they're headcases.
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Whats the difference between a jew camp and a summer camp?
The kids come back.
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Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Two cannibals are enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner and a light conversation about all things family.
"I just can't stand my mother-in-law," sighs one.
"That's quite understandable," nods the other one, "why don't you just have the potatoes with the gravy?"
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Joke has 71.64 % from 92 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, food, mother in law, Thanksgiving
First cannibal: "I can't find anything to eat!"
Second cannibal: "But the jungle's full of people."
First cannibal: "Yes, but they're all very unsavory."
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