We’re all self-made but only the rich and successful like to admit it.
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One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman out shopping.
‘I haven’t eaten anything in four days,’ he says.
She looks at him and says, ‘God, I wish I had your willpower.’
The first paper money press was invented when Chuck Norris drew a design under his boot and stepped on a tree.
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A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.
The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."
The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
Ted said to his friend, 'can you lend me $10?'
'But I only have $8,' his friend replied.
That's OK, you can always owe me the other $2!
Don’t spend money having your shirts laundered.
Donate them to a charity shop, then when they’ve cleaned them, buy them back.
A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn't understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents.
Surprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean?
The blonde girlfriend replied all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'
He’s in debt up to his eyes.
The only thing he’s paid for is his hat.
Kamasutra says:
If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one.
And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!