Joke #4530

He was so mean he had the house sound-proofed so the children wouldn’t be able to hear the ice cream van.

Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much? A: They're cheaper than day rates.

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.” The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?” Little Joe told him: “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!”

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can rent it for a couple of hours.

Yo mama so poor the i saw her rolling a can and said what are you doing she said moving!

‘If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.’ Mark Twain

I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I've never been there.

I bought a Jewish sports car. Not only will it stop on a dime, it will pick it up too. I've heard they're gas guzzlers though.

When Chuck Norris gets nominated for the ALS ice bucket challenge, the bucket donates $1000 to ALS research.

The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run a few errands and leaves his employee in charge. A woman comes in and wants to purchase a dildo. She looks at the shelf behind the register. "How much for the white one?" "$10." "How much for the black one?" "$20." She buys the white one. A little later , another woman comes in and also wants to buy a dildo. After asking the clerk for prices, she decides on the black one. A third lady comes in for a dildo. She checks the price of the white one , the black one and asks about the plaid one. She makes her purchase and leaves.The proprietor returns and asks how things went. "Great! I sold a white one, a black one, and I got thirty buck for your thermos!"

Never borrow money from optimists – they always expect to get it back.