My wife is temperamental.
Fifty per cent temper and 50 per cent mental.
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A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks. From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make passionate love."
The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Bell 1!" His wife takes off her clothes.
"Bell 2," and his wife jumps into bed.
"Bell 3," and they began to make love.
After two minutes, his wife yells, "Bell 4!"
"What's Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, " Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dinning table and eat our dinner!"
As they sat at the dinning table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!"
The husband says, " That is because you have your tits in the soup!"
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Two husbands were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."
"Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "
An angry man is coming home and shouts to his wife, "I know everything!"
His wife reacts right away, "Is that so? Then tell me please. Who is the fifth highest peak in the world?"
Men and women can be friends without any sex involved.
It's called marriage.
A husband and wife are having financial troubles.
They agree she should walk the streets to pick up some extra cash.
The husband drops his wife off in the red light area of town, and returns 6 hours later.
She gets in the car and says, "Look, I made $40.50 !"
"What jerk gave you 50 cents?" he asks.
"All of them!"
Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll?
A: All Ken's stuff.
A young lad is sitting at the table doing his homework.
Dad, he says, "What is the difference between 'potentially' & 'realistically'"?
Father scratches his chin, inhales sharply and says,"That's a tough one; it's probably easier to demonstrate.
Go & ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million quid; then ask your sister the same question"
... 2 minutes later, the lad is back. "Dad, they both said for 1 million quid...? Definitely!"
Well son, says the old man, "There is your answer; potentially, we are sitting on 2 million quid; realistically, we are living with a pair of slags..!
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want.
A woman got married, but her husband was abusive.
She got remarried and that husband ran out on her.
She got married again and that husband failed in bed.
Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed."
The next day, the doorbell rings.
There is a man with no arms and no legs.
"Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says.
"Tell me a little about you."
"Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you.
I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replies.
"How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks.
He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"