An old man goes to his doctor and says, ‘Can you give me something to lower my sex drive.’
The doctor replies, ‘I would have thought at your age it’s all in the mind,’
‘It is,’ agrees the old man.
‘That’s why I want it lower.’
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My 1st time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move.
She: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering.
Q: How do you know when a machanic has had sex?
A: Two of his fingers are clean.
A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island.
After one month the woman says:
"I can not proceed in this way."
And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they dig up the woman.
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Condoms are not completely safe.
A friend of mine was wearing one and he got hit by a bus.
Peter approaches the gates of Heaven.
"Knock knock," says Peter.
Miraculously, someone answers him.
"Who's there," a voice in the distance asked.
"God," says Peter.
"God who," asked the voice?
"GOD DAMMIT open these gates!
I've been a good neighbor, loved my wife and lost my virginity, twice!"
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A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.
One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.
Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her.
"Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked.
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.
"Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"
Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.
A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69.
And she said, "No, but I have done 53 that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
Q: How do you know a blonde just lost her virginity?
A: The crayons are still sticky.
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