Joke #4585

‘Why don’t you go home to your wife. Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she won’t notice any difference.’ Groucho Marx
Vote:
has 35.28 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: marriage

Similar jokes

See also best jokes rated by other visitors or new jokes.

A couple come across a wishing well. The husband leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny. The wife makes a wish too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns. The husband says, ‘Wow! It really works!’
Vote:
has 44.92 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: marriage
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
Vote:
has 84.36 % from 310 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, marriage, men, wife
A drunk is sitting on a park bench staring disconsolately at a bottle of beer. A man passes and asks him what the matter is. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ says the drunk. ‘My heart says yes, my mind says no, and I haven’t heard from my liver in two days.’
Vote:
has 41.91 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Once upon a time, my wife and I were in the local restaurant. We have talked to each other, but after a while, I have become quiet and then I started to talk, I have said: "you know, I love you so much, I will never leave you, never, ever, every single day I think only of you, we will be always together." My wife has asked me: "Oh, darling, these words were addressed to me?" I have said only: "Oh, no, sorry, darling, this time I am talking to this bottle of beer."
Vote:
has 61.28 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: beer, communication, food, love, marriage
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.
Vote:
has 85.80 % from 1665 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, beer, marriage, wife
Husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Wife: Because I married the wrong man!
Vote:
has 52.76 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage
Somebody told me the best way to meet women is to do something you enjoy right away, you have something in common. So, I've spent the past year smoking dope and watching television.
Vote:
has 44.13 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: marriage, women
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
Vote:
has 84.86 % from 640 votes. More jokes about: marriage, wedding
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"
Vote:
has 78.50 % from 56 votes. More jokes about: anniversary, marriage, old people, prison
Happy Father's Day to someome who's been completely replaced in his marriage by Fifty Shades of Grey.
Vote:
has 38.99 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: dirty, Fathers day, marriage, sex