There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
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How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovers a little box attached to the bed.
"What's this for?" she asks her husband.
"If you put a quarter in," he says, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating."
"Save your money," she says. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating."
A young woman for whom a marriage with an old man was being arranged by her parents refused to go through with the ceremony because as she put it, " I don't want to feel old age creeping on me!"
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"
Wife: "That's your job."
Hasband: "Says who?"
Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."
Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work,
“I have great news for you.
Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
Vote:
A husband is watching footie when his wife interrupts, "Honey, the hallway light has been flickering for weeks. Can you fix it?"
He angrily looks at her and says, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E Logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so!"
"Well, what about the fridge door. It doesn’t close right."
"Fix the Fridge Door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so!"
"Ok", she says, "then you could at least fix the front door steps. They’re about to break."
"I ain’t no damn Carpenter and I don’t wanna fix any steps," he says. "Does it look like I’ve got ACE hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough. I’m off to the bar!"
After a couple of hours at the local, he feels guilty and decides to go home and make up with his wife.
As he walks up to the house he notice the steps are fixed.
As he goes into the house he sess the hall light is working, and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Darling, how’d you get all this fixed?"
She replies: "Well, after you left I was sitting outside crying when a nice young man asked what was wrong. I told him, he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was to either bake a cake or go to bed with him."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Helo...Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!"
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?