I can teach my cat any trick he wants to do!
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At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, “Who here has ever seen a ghost?”
Most of the hands go up.
“And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?”
About half the hands stay up.
“Okay, now how many of you have had *physical* contact with a ghost?”
Three hands stay up; there’s a slight murmur in the crowd.
“Gosh, that’s pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh…, been *intimate* with a ghost?”
One hand stays up.
The speaker blinks.
“Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you’ve actually had *sexual* contact with a ghost?”
The fellow suddenly blushes and says, “Oh, I’m sorry,… I thought you said goat!”
Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?
They couldn't get the moose in the oven!
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Every day after work two blondes would look for their cars together.
Since they could never remember where they parked, they would sit around until all the cars were gone and they could spot their vehicles.
One blonde says "We need to find a faster way to get home."
The next day, they come to work on a donkey.
After work they come out and see a donkey tied to the fence.
"I think we're going to have to wait again, " says the one blonde.
"I'm not convinced that's our donkey."
"Why not?" asks the second blonde.
The first blonde says, "Well, this donkey only has one a**hole, and this morning when we rode in, I distinctly overhead someone say, "Hey look at those two a**holes on that donkey."
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich.
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Q: Did you hear the Energizer Bunny Was Arrested?
A: Charged With Battery.
That bull you sold me is a lazy good-for-nothing.
I told you he was a bum steer.
‘Cats have nine lives.
Which makes them ideal for experimentation.’
What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?
Boobies.
Chuck Norris doesn't bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.
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