Q:Where do you find giant snails?
A:On the ends of their fingers.
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Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
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A boy asks his mother for breakfast.
She says, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy goes outside and says to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today."
So he kicks the chicken.
He does the same with the cow and the pig.
The boy goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry.
His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk, and I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat.
The boy says, "Mom, should I tell him?"
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Q: What is red and black?
A: A sunburnt zebra.
What do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit?
The first herd shot round the world.
On what should you mount a statue of your cat?
A caterpillar!
A Koala and a Prostitiute had just finished having sex, so the Prostitute said, "
All right, now give me my money!"
The Koala replied, "
Money, what for?" "
What for?", the Prostitute growled,
"Look up Prostitute in the dictionary and read what it says."
So the Koala looked up prostitute in the dictionary.
It said, "Prostitute- A woman who is paid to have sex."
" Okay," said the Koala, " now you look up Koala in the dictionary, and read what it says."
So the Prostitute looked up Koala in the dictionary.
It said, "Koala- A furry animal who eats bush, then leaves."
Why did the gag-writer turn green?
Cause the gag-writer was sick of writing frog jokes!
What do you call a flying skunk?
A smellicopter.