If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.
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When you try to change a man, you basically undertake his mother’s role;
And she made him eat spinach and study for school...
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
I asked my wife why did she marry me.
Wife: "Because you are funny."
Me: "I thought it was beacause I was good in bed?"
Wife: "You see? You're hilarious."
A woman was standing naked, looking herself at the mirror.
She was not satisfied with what she was looking at and said to her husband: "I feel awful. I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need a compliment right now."
Her husband replied: "Your vision is perfectly nice!"
...and then the fight started.
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom.
The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."
My best friend ran away with my wife.
It's only been three days and I really miss him.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
I took her to a petrol station...
Once upon a time, my wife and I were in the local restaurant.
We have talked to each other, but after a while, I have become quiet and then I started to talk, I have said: "you know, I love you so much, I will never leave you, never, ever, every single day I think only of you, we will be always together."
My wife has asked me: "Oh, darling, these words were addressed to me?"
I have said only: "Oh, no, sorry, darling, this time I am talking to this bottle of beer."