If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first? The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Yo mama is so stupid she married a carpenter just to get nailed.
Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent. "I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?" "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."
Q: Why did the married man sell his complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica? A: He didn't need them any longer his damn wife knows everything.
Like changing coins - I always desired to change my 60 old years wife to three 20 years girls!
Man to friend: ‘When did you first realise your wife had stopped loving you?’ Friend: ‘When she pushed me through the window, and wrote for an ambulance.’
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
Jill tells her husband, “Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can’t you do that?” “Gosh,” Jack says, “why I hardly know the girl.”
Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women? A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.