If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first? The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher. You'll never have to do it by hand again.
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
Why is marriage a three-ring circus? First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
An old man and his wife are having their first argument after many years of marriage. He says, ‘When we got married, you promised to love, honour and obey!’ ‘I know,’ replies his wife. ‘But I didn’t want to start an argument in front of all those people.’
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?" "Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, um, she got fired, too."
A wife to her husband: "Honey, what are you doing?" "I'm reading our marriage certificate." "What for?" "I'm looking for the expiry date..."
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!
After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."