What do you call an alcoholic dog? A whino!
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma." The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall . The drunk mumbles, "ain’t no use knocking, there’s no paper on this side either!"
It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There's clearly room for more wine.
It’s night and a drunk is crawling along the pavement looking for something. A passer-by offers to help and asks what’s missing. The drunk replies that he’s lost his watch. ‘And where abouts did you lose it?’ asks the passer-by. ‘About half a mile up the road,’ replies the drunk. ‘So why are you doing down here?’ asks the passer-by. The drunk replies, ‘Down here the lighting is better.’
A gent is sitting alone at the bar in Caesers Palace. A Jewish hooker comes over to him and asks him if he would like some company. "How much, honey?" "$800." "800???" "Are you crazy? Every other woman that came over wanted $400!" The Jewish hooker thought about it for a second and then replied, "Ok, I’ll do it for $400, but I want you to know I’m not making anything on it!"
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act.’ "Well, show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
What’s the difference between a straight woman and a bisexual woman? 4 drinks.