Budgeting: When you work out that the money you owe is exactly the same as the money you spent.
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Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.
Why are men like bank accounts?
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest!
Why pay $5 at Subway when you can get this footlong for free?
A gay American was caught by his Filipino gay husband cheating.
The American husband asked, "how did you find out?"
The Filipino husband replied, "through my Western Union Receipts."
Dad, would you like to save some money?
I certainly would, son.
Any suggestions? Sure.
Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.
I bought a Jewish sports car.
Not only will it stop on a dime, it will pick it up too.
I've heard they're gas guzzlers though.
An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her.
The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you…"
"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what’s the catch?"
George meets a genie in the street, which tells him to make a wish and it will make it true.
"I want to pee whiskey," he says.
“But are you sure? You can ask for money, wealth, anything you want."
"No I want to pee whiskey."
The genie thinks what can it do, it makes his wish true.
George goes home, calls his wife, Sue: "Woman, get nuts and two glasses."
Curious she was, she brings them.
"What do you want them? She asks him. Once we don’t have any drinks."
From now on, we will both have as much whiskey as we want, says to her.
And really he fills the two glasses with whiskey.
They clink, drink one, drink two drinks, make some fun … and play a little game.
The other night the same happen.
"Woman, bring two glasses and nuts."
So they spend their evenings.
One night, however, the scene changed.
"Woman, bring nuts and a cup."
"A, for one?"
"You will drink from the bottle today."
Man, to friend, ‘A thief has stolen my wife’s credit card.
Last month he ran up a bill of over a thousand pounds.’
‘That’s terrible,’ says the friend.
‘You should report this thief to the police.’
‘I would,’ says the man.
‘But at the moment he’s spending less than my wife does.’