Joke #4641

I never married because there was no need – I have three pets which serve the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.

He was in a position to marry anyone he pleased. Unfortunately he didn’t please anyone.

Every night while Dave is having dinner his wife Natalie goes to the bedroom turns off the light and makes out with Daves friend Andy by the window. After some days Dave had doubt and leaving supper he went to the dark room only to hear whispers from the other side of the window. He pushes Natalie away goes near the window,unties his pant and put his arse facing the window. After a minute Andy puts a kiss on his butt cheek and says "Natalie, haven't u brushed ur teeth today?"

A husband and wife are driving along when they see an injured skunk lying by the roadside. They decide to take it to a vet but don’t have anything to carry it in. ‘Why not wrap it in your skirt?’ suggests the husband. ‘What about the stink?’ protests his wife. Her husband replies, ‘It’ll just have to get used to it.’

Husband: "Right now, for this Women's Day, I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world!" Wife: "Oh dear, I will miss you!"

A wife returns late at night back home. "Where have you been?" asks her husband. "With a friend. But don't worry, there were no men." One day later the husband returns back home late. "Don't worry; I was also with a friend. And there were no men either…"

When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.

Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing. He found her to be possessive and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence.

Its my birthday today. My wife has said that shes going to make it my most special birthday ever... I wonder where shes going ?

Somebody told me the best way to meet women is to do something you enjoy right away, you have something in common. So, I've spent the past year smoking dope and watching television.

Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking? ‘Eighty per cent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.’ Jackie Mason