Joke #4641

I never married because there was no need – I have three pets which serve the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.

A husband and wife are eating soup. The wife spills soup all over her and says: "Oh no, I look like a pig" "Yes and you also have soup all over you!"

Andrew went to Medical Insurance to apply for his pension. The woman behind the bench asked for his driving license to verify his age, but he had left his wallet home. He said to her that he had to go home and return later. The woman said: "Unbuckle your shirt." And so he did, revealing his curly, gray hair of his chest. "These gray hair is quite a nice proof for me," she said and continued with his application form. When Andrew went home, he said to his wife what had happened. "You should have taken your pants off," she said, "Maybe you would have taken disability pension too!"

Q: Why did the married man sell his complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica? A: He didn't need them any longer his damn wife knows everything.

A couple went to have their baby delivered... Upon arrival, the doctor said there is this new technology that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father, via a machine. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer ratio to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband over and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him..... The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband both were ecstatic... When they reached home...The cook was lying dead in the kitchen!

Wife to her husband: "I told you I'll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?"

Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent. "I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?" "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."

My best friend ran away with my wife. It's only been three days and I really miss him.

Wife: Do you want dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and no.

My wife said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before." So I said, "Try the kitchen!"

My wife and I lead a quiet life. The last time we went out together was when the gas boiler exploded.