Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they take away your credit card.
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‘How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars…’ Steve Martin
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready.
"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory.
We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others" he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss.
So the doorman leads him to the dorm.
They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.
"See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
"That's wonderful!" says Albert.
"We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your second room mate.
His IQ is 150!"
"That's wonderful!" says Albert.
"We can discuss physics!"
"And here is your third room mate.
His IQ is 100!"
"That's wonderful!
We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.
"I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"
How do you find the population of a Mexican village?
Roll a quarter down the street.r
A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
The thief was spending less then his wife.
Q: How do you know you've got a good tax accountant?
A: He's had a loophole named after him.
Vote:
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we’re living with two h***s and a future congressman."
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer:
Change the last line of the Lord’s prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities.
The Pope declined.
2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again.
This time with a 50 million dollar offer.
Again the Pope declined.
A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format.
The good news is… that we have 100 million dollars for charities.
The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
After a long time two friends met, happy to see each other.
One of them, chewing on something big, asked his friend how was he and what was new in his life.
After the friend told his story, he asked the same question to the friend who was chewing something.
"So, what’s up man?"
"It’s a shitty period, there is nothing that works in my life and I feel really bad."
"What is going on?!
"Last Saturday I went to Las Vegas. You know that from time, to time I’m going there to play at casino, three or four times a year. I took with me thousand dollars and I put the other hundred in my driving license that I left in the car. For the safety reasons, you know, if it goes really bad at casino, I must have the money to pay highway and go back home. And so I walked in casino, I bought the chips and found an empty seat on a roulette table, next to a beautiful woman, about forty years old with a very provocative neckline. I made my first bet on 32, the number of my house, aiming 10 dollars."
"How did it go?"
The guy continues to tell his story, without stopping to chew something.
"Released! I felt all the winning streak and I bet again on 32 and it’s released again. I was winning almost 13 000 dollars and the adrenaline was at maximum. I felt like I was the God and around the table came so many people to congratulated me and I bet more than 10 thousand dollars on 23."
"And it went out again?"
"No! This time came out a bloody 13. Do you realize that I had the bad luck? I had in my hands a lot of money and if 32 came out I was settled for a life time. But the horrid number 13 ruined my evening and the hole week after."
"I understand you very well. It ‘s really to eat the balls."
The other friend, continuing to chew louder: "What do you think I’m doing?"