How can you tell if your girlfriend’s frigid?
When you open her legs, the lights go on.
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One day, a space ship landed in a farmer’s field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife.
As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.
Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship.
The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.
The Martian then man took the farmer’s wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another.
They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife, “Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?”
The farmer’s wife replied “It needs to be a little bigger around.” So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around.
About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife again “How does it feel now?”
The farmer’s wife responded “I think it needs to be a little longer.”
So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer.
The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife “How was the Martian man?” To this, the farmer’s wife replied “Fine.”
“And how about the Martian woman?”
The farmer replied, “That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!”
Boy: What's it called when 3 people have sex?
Girl: A threesome.
Boy: What's it called when two people have sex?
Girl: A twosome.
Boy: Now you know why they call me handsome.
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, ‘Doctor, why do men always want to marry a virgin?’
To which the doctor responded, ‘To avoid criticism.’
‘I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.’
Steve Martin
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
How do you know if your wife wears tights in bed?
Her toes curl up when you screw her.
How does a girl from Harlem practice safe sex?
She locks the car doors.
Q: What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets?
A: She went looking for the three guys.
Let me insert my plug into your socket and we can generate some electricity.
One day, a Sodomite went to his doctor's office to get an HIV blood test.
While there, his blood got drawn and he then left.
Two weeks later, he was back at his doctor's office in an examination room, waiting for the result of the HIV test.
Suddenly, his doctor walks into the examination room and says to the gay guy, "I'm awfully sorry to tell you that the test shows that you're definitely HIV positive."
The gay guy then asks the doctor, "So, what needs to be done now, doctor?"
The doctor says to the gay dude, "I want you to go home, sit down at your kitchen table and eat 20 hamburgers, 20 hot dogs, 20 pizzas, 20 bags of chips, and 20 gallons of ice cream."
The gay then asks his doctor, "How's doing all that gonna help me out with my HIV, doctor?"
The doctor then replied, "It's not gonna help you out with your HIV at all but it will definitely teach you what your asshole is really for."