Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard Graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "Okay — where are you from, jackass?"
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The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.
The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."
"Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
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When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
Waiter: "I’ve stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog’s leg."
Customer: "Don’t tell me your problems. Give the menu card."
There's a rumor that Steve Jobs, has been a Buddhist, has been reincarnated as a factory worker on a sweatshop assembly line in China.
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A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic ocean.
Starving to death they found a can of roastbeef.
They start debating how to open the can without can-opener.
Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it.
Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire.
Economist: "Let's suppose the can is opened...."
Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil.
If I'm laughing, I've already done it.
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!