How do you know which one is your boss from a crowd of 500 people?
You say: “My boss is a stupidest asshole!”
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I am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?"
My simple answer is:
It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.
While learning CPR Chuck Norris actually brought the practice dummy to life.
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Hilary Clinton, George Bush, Sarkozy, a boy and a monk were stuck on a plane that is falling fast.
They are 5 but there are only 4 parachutes.
Hilary said "I'm a woman, you cant leave a woman on a plane to die" so she took one and jumped.
Bush said "I'm the smartest in the world, every one needs me" he took one and jumped.
Sarkozy blabbed something in french that no one understood, he took one and jumped.
The monk tells the boy "You take the last parachute, let me die" the boy said
"Why? We can both jump."
"How is that?" said the monk.
The boy replies, "Because the so called smartest man Bush took my school bag and jumped!"
A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly she is not your friend anymore...
Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters?
A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork
Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.
Two skeletons meet, and one asks the other, "Did you die before the Social Security reform, or after?"
"No, I'm still alive."
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Customer: "Waiter, this soup tastes funny."
Waiter: "Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?"