How do you know which one is your boss from a crowd of 500 people?
You say: “My boss is a stupidest asshole!”
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How come the village Guy Fawkes won the Nobel Peace Prize?
Cause he was outstanding in his field.
Somebody stole my mood ring and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that..
Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt.
After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir."
At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon.
The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Opportunity!
That is impossible. Opportunity doesn't come knocking twice!
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1st Eskimo: "Where did your mother come from?"
2nd Eskimo: "Alaska."
1st Eskimo: "Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself!"
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Business class yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz?
A: Cheez Whuz.
The only Christmas present Chuck Norris ever gives is allowing you to live.
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