A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Q: What happened to Jesus when he said "Catch me outside, how bout dat"? A: He got crucified
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs!
"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?" "First of all, don't give him anything to drink."
What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline? When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
How do you blindfold an Asian? With dental floss!
Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body. Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asks, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes." "What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician. "Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
This could be considered the ideal world for many men: His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties. His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy. A picture of his wife on the milk carton.
What do you call a baby on a stick? A Kebabie.