A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
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In order to help jump-start the U.S. economy, the INS has announced that this year they will stop focusing on illegal aliens, and begin the deportation of retired people.
It's predicted that this will not only help lower health care entitlement costs, but it turns out that retirees are much easier to catch.
Plus, they rarely can remember how to get back home.
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What's the good part of there being no blacks on the Jetsons?
It means the future will be great!
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Q: What is height of Suicide?
A: A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.
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My dad was a complicated man.
He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know?
Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black — that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
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Q: What happens if your dishwasher stops working?
A: You punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.
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Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this handrail is bloody low down"
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Q: What's the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
A: There are twenty of them.
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Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads?
Because they're headcases.
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What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.
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What do you call a nun in a wheel chair?
Virgin mobile.
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