If you're scared of dying alone then become a bus driver.
Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?" St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
My dad died on 9-11. He was the best amateur bomber on Iraq's flight team.
Q: How many dead babies can you fit in a blender? A: I don't know, I just like to hear them scream. Q: How do you get them out? A: Chips.
Q: How does every black joke start? A: With the white guy looking over his shoulder.
What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana ? One's composing, the other is decomposing.
How are a lawyer and a prostitute different? The prostitute stops fucking you after you’re dead.
Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other "I don't like your friend." The other one said, "Well, put him to one side and just eat the vegetables."
Q: Why can't orphans play baseball? A: They don't know where home is.
Q: What is the difference between a Jew and a boy scout? A: the boy Scott gets to go home after camp.
Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks. The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here." The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this handrail is bloody low down"