If you're scared of dying alone then become a bus driver.
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Q: What do pregnant teenagers and their unborn babies have in common?
A: Both their moms are going to kill them!
Heres what you do:
1. Dinner
2. Kiss
3. Movie
4. Sex
5. Bring her back home
6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting
How can you tell if you have acne?
If the blind can read your face.
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Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
That, my friends, is a positive attitude!
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Q: What's the only thing faster than a black man running away with your TV?
A: His son running away with your VCR.
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What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law?
There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.
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Little Johnny was in Maths class when his teacher asked him:
"Johnny, if your Mother had to repay a loan of $100,000, and you gave her $50,000, what would she need to repay the loan?"
Johnny replied, "To repay the loan? $50,000 more. To stay alive? CPR."
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Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt was almost killed in a traffic accident?
A: Some dick cut her off.
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Q: How do you fit 100 Jews in a car?
A: Three in the back, two in the front and the rest in the ashtray.
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: Because his wife died.
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