What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
Crib death.
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How many dead babies does it take to change a tire?
Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it incase it explodes.
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What is the difference between a fridge and a kid?
A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.
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How can you help a starving cannibal?
Give him a helping hand.
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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, “Well no, but … it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
Hitler: I asked for a glass of juice, not gas the Jews!
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Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads?
Because they're headcases.
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Q: What did the baby say as I threw it in the blender?
A: I didn't catch it, I was too busy masturbating.
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It's a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around.
St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks.
"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"
"Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left.
When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged."
The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others.
St. Peter tells him that every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock.
The guy notices one clock in the center of the ceiling with both hands whirling around at an unbelievable rate.
"What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies.
That's George W. Bush's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
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What did the Boston Marathon bombers do that Hitler couldn't?
Ended a race.
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Why is there always hot water at childbirth?
In case of a stillbirth, soup.
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