What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
Crib death.
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What's the difference between a dead baby and a table?
You can't fuck a table.
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What is the difference between a fridge and a kid?
A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.
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Woman delivers baby.
Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc.
Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHY!?"
Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead".
How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
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A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.
His orders were clear.
No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
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A doctor from the inner city was conversing with an old friend from med school at a cafe when he said, "Man, can I tell you something?"
His friend nods. "Sure."
"Okay, so the other day I had this one really hot, foreign patient, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since..."
He goes on to tell his friend everything about her, from her long blond hair and ability to speak fluent French, to her shimmering blue eyes and soft skin.
His friend seemed more disgusted with each passing moment.
"Dude, that is not cool."
The doctor, indignant, defended himself.
"What's wrong with that? Lots of doctors are attracted to their patients."
His friend simply shook his head and replied, "Maybe, but I guarantee you none of those doctors were pediatricians..."
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An Arabic kid joined my football team.
All he did was blow the plays.
Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard?
Shut up, and give me more bullets.
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Went to a Muslim birthday party the other day.
It was great fun, we blew up a bouncy castle and then had a really intense game of pass the parcel.
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Q: Why did hitter kill himself?
A: Because he could not pay the gas bill.
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