How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ? Nail its other hand to the floor.
Q: What is the difference between baby and knitting? A: Knitting is weaved by two needles and one ball, but the baby has been made with one needle and two balls!
Me: "Here comes the airplane!" Baby: Opens mouth. Me: "OH NO! It's the Taliban!" Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon. "KA-BOOM"
How do you fit 500 babies into a phone booth? With a blender. How do you get them out? Nachos - make a dipping and snacking motion.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends how hard you throw them.
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHY!?" Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead".
Q: What's red, white, and cries a lot? A: A baby with a razor!
How do you make a baby drink? Stick it in the blender.
What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman? A baby with a black eye!
What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume!
Why would the cannibal only eat babies? He was on a diet!