Joke #5127

How do you get a baby to run faster? Chase it with the lawn mower.

"If I could be someone for one day I would be Justin Beiber and run off a cliff"

Whats the difference between a jew camp and a summer camp? The kids come back.

A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami. The e-mail reads: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Q: What did the baby say as I threw it in the blender? A: I didn't catch it, I was too busy masturbating.

Do you remember how everyone was trying to kill Osama Bin Laden? Well, since all of our presidents seem to get shot, why we just didn't make Bin Laden president.

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer." "Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!" God replies, "You better send them up here immediately." Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them." God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you." Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

How did they know that the driver had dandruff? They found his head and shoulders in the glove box.

A man with no legs is lying on the beach, when three attractive blondes approach him. The first blonde says to him "I bet you've never been hugged before." The legless man shakes his head. Then the second blonde says, "I bet you've never been kissed before." The legless man shakes his head again. Then the third blonde says, "I bet you've never been fucked before." The legless man says, "No." The third blonde replies, "Well you are now because the tide is coming in!"

Q: How do you make a cat go ‘woof’? A: Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.

Did you hear about the cannibal who joined the police force? He said he wanted to grill his suspects.