Some people just need a hug… Around the neck… with a rope.
*Wakes up to wife and son screaming* Me: "What are you guys yelling about?" Them: "You're driving!"
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. - Steve Irwin (1962 - 2006)
How are babies and the elderly alike? Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, “When did you bag him?” The host said proudly, “That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.” “What’s he stuffed with,” asked the visiting hunter. “My ex-wife” replied the hunter.
How long does it take a black lady to shit? About 9 months.
What's the difference between an apple and a black man? None! They both hang from trees.
Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside. "Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade." "Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
how do you keep a black person out of your backyard? Hang one in the front.
Two Arabs are sitting in the Gaza Strip chatting over a pint of goats milk. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. "Here's my second son. He's a martyr too!" After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says , They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Fred and DooDah go to their favorite lake to fish. After getting out on the water, DooDah hooks a huge fish, which pulls him overboard, and he drowns. Fred is brokenhearted and goes to tell DooDah's wife the news. She opens the door and hears Fred sing: "Guess who drowned in the lake today? DooDah! DooDah!"