Some people just need a hug… Around the neck… with a rope.
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There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
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Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.
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What is the difference between a hippie girl and a muslim girl?
The hippie girl gets stoned before have sex.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Adolf Hitler?
A: Michael Phelps can finish a race.
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
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how do you keep a black person out of your backyard?
Hang one in the front.
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Q: Why did Hitler kill himself?
A: He saw his gas bill.
So an old man, a Catholic priest, and a pedophile walk into a bar, and that's just one person!
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"If I could be someone for one day I would be Justin Beiber and run off a cliff"
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Q: What did the baby say as I threw it in the blender?
A: I didn't catch it, I was too busy masturbating.
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