What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.
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This is Captain Sinclair speaking.
On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.
This is a recorded message.
Have a good flight!
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What do you do if an epileptic falls in your pool?
Throw in your laundry.
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Went to a Muslim birthday party the other day.
It was great fun, we blew up a bouncy castle and then had a really intense game of pass the parcel.
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This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat it read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise."
So the old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap..."
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I gas the only problem I have with the wold now is all the deutchbags.
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What is the difference between a fridge and a kid?
A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.
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How do you blindfold an Asian?
With dental floss!
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How many dead babies does it take to change a tire?
Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it incase it explodes.
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Q: What was Hitler's favorite toy as a kid?
A: An Easy-Bake Oven.
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My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool.
I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..."
"That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."
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