What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding? A baby in a microwave.
I was walking down the street to a video store last night to rent a porno movie when I saw a woman being raped. Saved myself a fiver.
Q: What did the baby say as I threw it in the blender? A: I didn't catch it, I was too busy masturbating.
What's purple, covered in pus and squeals? A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
How do you fit 500 babies into a phone booth? With a blender. How do you get them out? Nachos - make a dipping and snacking motion.
My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104. We called her Aunt Tique.
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
How can you tell if you have acne? If the blind can read your face.
How can you help a starving cannibal? Give him a helping hand.
Why did Beyonce sing 'to the left', 'to the left'? - Because black people have no rights..
Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other "I don't like your friend." The other one said, "Well, put him to one side and just eat the vegetables."