What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas ? Cancer.
What's the definition of bravery? A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
A guy is going down on a prostitute. During the process he pulls out a piece of corn. Mildly disgusted, he tries to forget about it and continues. Then he finds a chunk of carrot and a pea, and he says, "I think I am going to be sick." The whore looks up and says, "That's what the last guy said!"
What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from a ceiling fan? Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.
Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with herpes? A: The guy who gave it to him.
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus with a yeast infection? An itchy, twitchy twat!
I got home to see my two months pregnant wife crouched in the bathroom crying. Her red, smudged eyes looked at me as she told me she'd lost the baby. I told the silly thing not to be so upset, I could clearly see it in the toilet.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends how hard you throw them.
Q: How do you get a zombie baby into a bowl? A: A blender. Q: How do you get them out? A: Doritos.
What's green and sits in the corner? That same baby three weeks later.
Three old men were sitting on a porch. "I wish I could take a healthy piss," said one. "I wish I could take a healthy crap," said another. "I can take a crap at 6 AM and a piss at 11 AM. I just wish I could get up before noon."