Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.
"Tom what’s going on?" Mark asked.
"It’s my wife Beckie,"
Tom replied. "She ran off with my best friend!"
"Hey wait a second!" Said Mark.
"Aren’t I your best friend?"
"Not any more," Tom said with a happy smile. "He is!"
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A guy goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy who's obviously been drinking for a while.
The drunk gets up from his stool to go to the bathroom and falls down 3 times.
The guy says to himself "I'll help this guy get home safely" and helps him out to his car
The guy falls down five more times.
He drives him up to the address on his license, takes him up to the door.
The guy falls down 8 times on the way...and rings the bell.
A lady answers the door and says "Oh how nice, you brought home Harry. But what did you do with his wheelchair?"
A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum replied, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
I'm a wine enthusiast.
The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.
What do you call an alcoholic dog?
A whino!
A man goes to a bar with his dog.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man, "the bartender says, "I'm sorry.
Here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.
The first guy sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell the bartender it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar.
He asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so.
They don't have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?!
They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
A drunk staggers in a Catholic church late one night and collapses in the confessional.
Next morning he’s awoken by the sound of the priest entering the cubicle next to him.
The priest addresses him through the grille.
‘Good morning, my son.
What can I do for you?’
‘You got here just in time,’ replies the drunk.
‘Could you pass over some toilet paper?’
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal.
You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents.
So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it".
The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink.
On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it.
When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it.
When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?".
And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt.
"Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself.
The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "Hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and he gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned."
Completely inebriated the drunk man thanks his new friend and puts a twenty in his shirt pocket and heads for home.
As soon as he walks through the front door his wife becomes irate and starts yelling at him, "Where have you been? you're completely drunk and you're a mess. Look at yourself, you puked all over the front of your shirt."
Completely wasted and slurring his words he explains to the wife, "No no, the guy sitting next to me threw up on my shirt and he gave me $20 to get it cleaned. Look, it's right here in my shirt pocket."
The wife reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money, "There's $40 in here."
"Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too."
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