Joke #5497

This young boy named Don walked into a whorehouse, slammed his money on the counter and said, "I want a woman!" The man behind the counter asked, "How old are you? "Don, replied, "I'm 17! "The man said, "Your too young, come back when your older, mean while practice on trees. "A year later Don once again came back to the whorehouse, swung the front door open, then shut, stomped over to the front desk and slammed his money on the counter harder then before. He screamed, "GIVE ME A WOMAN!" The man behind the counter said, "How old are you?" Don, shouted, "I AM 18!" The man took Don's money and said, "OK, up stairs, second door on the left." Don didn't miss a beat. He ran up those stairs so fast he skipped every other step. It wasn't about 5 minutes later when the man behind the counter heard the whore up stairs screaming in complete and utter agony. So he jumped over the counter and ran up the stairs. Once at the room he kicked in the door and to his surprise Don had a broomstick shoved right up the whore's p*ssy. The man shouted, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Don simply replied, "Checking for squirrels..."

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that hurt?" The pirate growls, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle the other day?

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out." "Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible". The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."

One night on christmas eve, santa came down the chimney. He was putting toys under the tree for the good girls and boys of the house. When he got the errie feeling that someone was staring at him. He turned around and sure enough a lady in a nelgiee was looking at him. When she noticed santa looking at her she said, "Santa can you stay, can yuo stay?" Santa, "Hey, hey hey, me have to go. Have to deliever toys for good girls and boys." So then she pulled down her negliee and showed santa her breast. "Santa, can you stay, can you stay?" Santa, "Hey, hey, hey. Me got to go. Have to deliever toys to good girls and boys." Then she took off everything and stood naked in front of santa and said, "Santa can you stay, can you stay?" Santa, "Hey,hey, hey. Me have to stay. Can't go up the chimney this a way!"

There was three girls and they all had boyfriends and separate rooms. The mom walked by all the rooms. The first room she hears laughing, the second room she heard screaming and the third was totally quiet. The mom was suspicious, so she asked the third girl why was she so quiet she replied, "My boyfriend said not to talk with my mouth full."

Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, “You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.” “Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?” “Back to back.” “But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.” “Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple to help out.”

Boy: What's it called when 3 people have sex? Girl: A threesome Boy: What's it called when two people have sex? Girl: A twosome Boy: Now you know why they call me handsome

They are going to play golf at the business meeting. The guy flies out there a day early. He's got all day in Japan so he decides he wants to get himself a geisha. He goes to a house of ill repute and finds what he's looking for. He takes her in back and starts doing his thing. The girl starts going crazy. She starts yelling, "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!" He thinks, "This girl is loving this." Next day in the golf course he hits a hole in one. He doesn't know any Japanese so he yells, "Machigatta ana!" The Japanese guys ask him, "What do you mean wrong hole?"

Man comes home to his wife and says to her: "With the new pair of glasses, you look like sh.t." "But I don't have a new pair of glasses..." she replies. "But, I do."

The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. “I’m ashamed to bring this up,” he said, “but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample.” The woman was shocked. “Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.” The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, “He’s a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it’s not a big deal… just a sample.” She thought a minute. “A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don’t give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.