A man is participating in a golf tournament. He was left to golf with just his caddy. On his tee-off, the golfer's ball lands in a patch of buttercups. The caddy tells the golfer he can take the ball onto the course, and he won't take a one stroke penalty. However, the golfer refuses and takes the ball out of the buttercups and takes the stroke penalty. Suddenly, Mother Nature appears. "What you just did was amazing. I am so proud that you enjoy nature and all of its beauty. For your reward, I will give you a lifetime supply of butter." "Thanks," says the man. "But where were you last week when my ball landed in the pussywillows?"
Chuck Norris once bowled a 300... Without a ball... He wasn't even in a bowling ally.
Four men were stranded in a desert. Suddenly, 1 of them died. The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body. The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver." The 2nd man said, "I support Manchester, so I'll eat his chest." The 3rd man said, "I support Arsenal... but I'm not very hungry!"
Yo Momma's a bowling ball. She is round and heavy, men stick three fingers into her and push her in the gutter. Then she comes rolling back for more.
One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing. To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time."
Chuck Norris holds the world record for most push ups done in a hour, the number is all of them.
"I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in." - Terry Venables.
One day Stan comes home from a hard day at work. He sees his wife bending down to clean the floor under the sofa. So Stan goes over to his wife and starts fucking her from behind. After he finishes, he gives her a hard smack to the head. His wife yells, ''What was that for!?'' To which Stan replies, ''That's for not checking to see who it was.''
Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player? Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.