Joke #5626

This guy's at a bar, and it's really late. He's been drinking hard all night, and is so tanked he falls backwards right off the bar stool onto the floor. He slowly climbs back up, takes another swig and slides right back onto the floor. Finally, this other guy is sympathetic and offers to drive the guy home. On the way out to the car, the drunk falls over a few times, and crawls the rest of the way to the car. When they get to his house, he can't even walk, and falls five times on the way to his own front door. The good samaritan helps him the rest of the way, and rings the doorbell. The drunk's wife opens the door. He says, "Sorry to wake you m'am. Your husband's had a few too many, so I drove him home for you." The wife gratefully responds, "Thank you, sir, that's very kind of you." "Where's his wheelchair?"

Q: What's all over a clean nose? A: Fingerprints.

What a woman says… This place is a mess! C’mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and You’ll have no clothes to wear if we don’t do laundry right now! What a man hears… blah blah blah blah blah C’MON! YOU AND I blah blah blah blah! blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? A: "Olive or twist?"

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. One hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says: "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds: "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!", exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!." So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says: "Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 BC!

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is." The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink. The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night." The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog." Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor. The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat." The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat. The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?" The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a vantriliqist."

I have joy in my heart and a glass of wine in my hand. Coincidence?

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out. One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why. "Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18" The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!" The bartender asks "so which one died?" "No one." "But you only ordered two drinks!" "Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.