Joke #5680

Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup! Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, "So, how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, no, no, I was just eating ice cream."

Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea? A: Lots of room.

Q: How can you tell if a bank robber is gay? A: He ties up the safe and blows the guard.

I was having a shit in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door. He said, "Can I see your ticket please?" "Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a shit!" He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?" "No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. "Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

Once upon a time there were these two bums walking down the railroad tracks, and the first bum, Fred, thought he smelled a nasty old smell. He asked his companion, Jeff, ''Did you s**t your pants?'' "Hell no," Jeff said. They walked a few more miles and the smell got worse. "Did you s**t your pants, Jeff?" "I swear to the God almighty I did not s**t my pants," Jeff said. So they walk three more miles and the smell gets just horrible. Fred runs over and pulls down Jeff's pants and says, "I thought you said you didn't s**t your pants?!" "I didn't." Jeff said. "They're your pants."

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies. When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre. When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off. When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, "Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them." He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point. They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers "Duke!" and sits back down. "Great!" he thought. "They really think it's the dog!" So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers. Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts "Duke!" and sits back down. Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. "Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!"

Q: Did you hear about the annoying midget who went to a nudist colony? A: He kept getting in everyone's hair.

Q: How does a redneck tell the difference between a bull and a cow in the dark? A: He sticks his nose in the animal's ass. If there's a place for his tongue, it's a cow.

Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with herpes? A: The guy who gave it to him.