Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
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Customer: "Waiter, this soup tastes funny."
Waiter: "Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?"
Q: What did the pencil say to the sharpener?
A: Stop going in circles and get to the point.
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Did you hear about that music composer who commited suicide?
He didn't even leave a note.
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing?
Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear."
"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says.
"I just need to outrun you."
Air traffic controller:
"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
Airline pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Air Traffic controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?"
What do you call a Labrador that becomes a magician?
A Labracadabrador!
Chuck Norris doesn't have a beard by choice, even the jaws of life can't cut it.
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What are two things a black man can't get in a fist fight.
A black eye, and a swollen lip.
You are so selfish!
You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night.
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied,"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."