I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
Two junior doctors were involved in a fight in the hospital. A senior consultant had to pull them apart. "What's all this about?" asked the consultant angrily. "It's the Tax Inspector in C ward," said one. "He's only got 2 days to live." "He had to be told." said the second doctor. "I know," said the first, "but I wanted to be the one to tell him!"
Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones, try a different one each day.
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Chuck Norris, then always be Chuck Norris.
So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?". The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Wearing a turtleneck shirt is like being strangled by a really weak person all day.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
I did so much crack, one day I broke in my own house. I ain't lying. I was halfway out the door with the TV before I realized it was my place. And before I broke in, I used to stand outside and case the joint. Finally, I said, "Damn, this brother will never come home!"
Q: Why is it good to have a Jewish car? A: It can stop on a dime, and pick it up for you too!