A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you. You've broken your finger!" 
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God gave man his penis and his brain but blood only enough to work one another at a time.
What is a man's idea of helping with housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
Vote:
Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl.
I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose.
No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
What do you call a woman that works like a man??
Lazy.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror…
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
Statistics say that women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms.
Men say "Big deal. We can fake a whole relationship just for a shag."