Joke #8051

Q: What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body? A: He is all right now.

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.

A man standing at a urinal notices that he's being watched by a midget. "Wow," comments the midget. "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and continues to pee. Suddenly, the midget pulls up a step ladder right next to the urinal and says, "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, but as they're so admirable, I wonder if I could take a closer look." Again the man is rather startled, but sees no real harm in it. Just then, the midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "OK, hand me your wallet, or I'll jump off the ladder!"

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None, it better be open when she brings it to you.

Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape... to play Santa Claus.

A man consulted his priest about getting a divorce. The priest was surprised. "Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely wife? She is soft and gentle and, if I may say so, she is also quite beautiful and nicely proportioned. I really can’t see what you have to complain about." The man took off his shoe. "See this shoe," he said, showing it to the priest, "The leather is soft and gentle. It is a beautiful piece of work and nicely proportioned." "Ah"” said the priest, "a parable." "In a way, Father," replied the man. "I’m the only one who knows it pinches."

Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.