What's red and crawls up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
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Use to be we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steven Jobs.
Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs.
Please do not die Kevin Bacon.
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What do you buy a dead baby for its birthday?
A dead puppy!
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War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
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Q: What is the worst thing about a vegetable?
A: Spitting them back up in a wheelchair.
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What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
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If you want to feed an injured woodpecker, take it by the tail and hit it to the tree.
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What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
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"My parachute did not work."
Said no one ever.
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Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.
Alex was crying very loudly.
Johnny: Why are you crying?
Alex: I came here for a blood test.
Johnny: So? Are you afraid?
Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked: Why are you crying now?
Johnny: I came for a urine test!
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There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."
The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped.
At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?"
The Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches."
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