What's red and crawls up your leg? A homesick miscarriage.
Q: What did one female terrorist say to the other? A: "Does my bomb look big in this?"
A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it. He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it. A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for HIV and hepatitis." Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?" The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?" "No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."
A woman is speaking to her friend, ‘My husband has got one foot in the grate.’ ‘Don’t you mean one foot in the “grave”?’ says the friend. ‘No,’ replies the woman. ‘He wants to be cremated.’
How do you fit 500 babies into a phone booth? With a blender. How do you get them out? Nachos - make a dipping and snacking motion.
Did you hear about the black guy that died on the highway? He stuck his head out the window and his lips beat him to death.
Q: What's the slowest thing on 80 wheels? A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.
What do you call a van with 5 faggots in it? The AIDS team.
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. "I’m sorry," said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks." "But I could be dead by then!" "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? A: Because his wife died.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.