What does an annoying pepper do?
It get's jalapeño face
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Chuck Norris once won the title of Iron Chef by cooking instant ramen noodles.
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What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy?
A Saddle Light Dish.
Men are like a fine wine.
They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd want to have dinner with.
Whats the difference between a pizza and a jew?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?
A: So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.
Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup."
Waiter: "So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?"
Two Muffins were baking in an oven.
One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!"
The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"
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Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was still a prince.
A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?"
Girlfriend texts back "Duh!"
So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries.
"Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk.
If you want it harder, you say tomato.
If you want it faster, you say lettuce, and if you want to moan you say any other ingredients that would be on a sandwich."
So they're up on the top bunk having sex, and she's yelling "Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce! Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!"
Well the little brother is still on the bottom bunk and yells "Hey can you guys knock it off, your getting Mayonnaise all over me!!!"