Why did the little girl fall off of her bike?
Because she didn't have any arms.
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A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.
How long does it take a black lady to shit?
About 9 months.
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I got in trouble during high school for masturbating in the showers.
Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.
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I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today.
I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.
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Q: What do you call a flying Jew?
A: Ashes.
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A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island.
After one month the woman says:
"I can not proceed in this way."
And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they dig up the woman.
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What's red and dances all around?
A baby on a barbecue
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Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
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A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it.
He has no recollection of how he got there.
While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.
A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for HIV and hepatitis."
Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?"
The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza."
The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?"
"No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."
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Q: How do you make a dog go ‘miaow’?
A: Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw…
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