My grandfather can no longer do the things he loved to do as a teenager.
Flying planes, bombing Germans...
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Q: How do you kill an emo?
A: You don't you let depression do the work.
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Q: What is the difference between baby and knitting?
A: Knitting is weaved by two needles and one ball, but the baby has been made with one needle and two balls!
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The reason why women will never be the ones who propose is that as soon as they get on their knees, man starts unzipping.
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A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on the other end.
"Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news."
The man, taken back, asks hesitatntly, "What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life."
"Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?"
The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
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A daughter wakes up at 3 a.m. and asks her mother:
"Mummy, tell me a fairy-tale."
"Daddy will get back soon and he will tell both of us a fairy tale..."
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A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.
"I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that."
Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him.
The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
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Good news, I've been given a goldfish for my birthday...
The bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!
What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana ?
One's composing, the other is decomposing.
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What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Two more bullets.
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What's yellow and black and makes you laugh ?
A bus full of niggers going over a cliff.
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