My grandfather can no longer do the things he loved to do as a teenager.
Flying planes, bombing Germans...
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I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
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Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together.
One man says, "I'm a salesman.
What about you?"
"I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man.
He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights.
He then asks the man where he lives.
Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding."
"You got a silver compact and a red pickup?"
"The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck."
The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom."
"I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls."
The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it!"
The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day.
You're going to get a two for one!"
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What’s the difference between a dead baby and an onion.
You don’t cry when you chop up a dead baby.
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What did the Boston Marathon bombers do that Hitler couldn't?
Ended a race.
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A woman is speaking to her friend, ‘My husband has got one foot in the grate.’
‘Don’t you mean one foot in the “grave”?’ says the friend.
‘No,’ replies the woman.
‘He wants to be cremated.’
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Two hunters are out in the wood when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator:"My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies:"Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter seys,"Ok, now what?"
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Q: What happened to the entertainer who did a show for the cannibals?
A: He went down really well!
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Q: Whats the difference between a box full of dead babies and a cadillac?
A: I don't have a cadillac in my garage.
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Q: What's the difference between Auschwitz and Sarajevo?
A: At least they had gas in Auschwitz.
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Why did the little girl fall off of her bike?
Because she didn't have any arms.
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