My grandfather can no longer do the things he loved to do as a teenager.
Flying planes, bombing Germans...
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What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.
Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?
A: They don't know where home is.
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Q: Where did OP go in the explosion?
A: Everywhere.
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I just ended a long-term relationship today.
I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.
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Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones?
Because they're hand made.
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Q: What has 2 arms, 3 legs, and 4 feet?
A: The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
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How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
With a blender!
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Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
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"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?"
"First of all, don't give him anything to drink."
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A guy has a bad habit:
He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives.
So one day he's driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her but he can't.
Later, he sees a kid skating and can't resist hitting the kid.
Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help.
So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch.
They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street.
He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, "Don't worry. I got him with the door!"