Do you know what a plateau is?
It's the highest form of flattery!
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Q: Why is marriage not a word?
A: It's a lifelong incarceration!
A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech.
Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, "will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city."
"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped her.
Imagine that ur in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you.
What do you do?
U stop imagining...
Life is like a box of chocolate.
It doesn't last long for fat people.
Yo mama so stupid that when I was drowning I yelled out to her that I needed a life saver and she said "Cherry or grape?"
Originally it was called 'Chuck Norris Mode' but he decided to let god have that one because Chuck Norris is humble like that.
Vote:
One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch:
"My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."
Always be yourself!
Unless you can be Batman - then always be Batman
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party.
He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two.
He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!"