Joke #6249

For their 10th anniversary, a wife surprises her husband by wearing the lingerie she wore on their wedding night. She asks her husband what his exact thoughts were 10 years ago when he first saw her in the lingerie. He says, "I wanted to suck your tits dry and f**k your brains out." "Well, what do you think today?" He says, "I think I did a good job."

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.  The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man. When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked "aren’t you afraid of me, I’m evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!" The man replied "You don’t scare me, I’ve been married to your sister for 35 years."

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in a honeymoon suite. All night long, the bellboy hears laughing and clapping sounds from their room. The next morning, he asks the old man how he can do it all night at his age. The husband replies, "First, I remove my clothes. Then, I lie down on the bed face up. Then, my wife removes her clothes and lifts up my penis with one hand, and we make a bet. If it falls to left when she lets go, I win; if it falls to right, she wins." The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?" "Then we both win," says the old man.

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy ambassador at a very expensive restaurant in New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by her beauty that he asked her to marry him. The secretary knew she couldn't insult a foreign dignitary, so she decided to let him down easy. "I'll only marry you under three conditions." "Anything, anything," said the ambassador. "First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72-karat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement." The ambassador picked up his cell phone, called his personal accountant, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!" "Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons, along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France." The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal brokers in New York and France, and said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!" The secretary knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis." A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

Marraige is a 3-ring circus. Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Q. Why don't little girls fart? A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. He told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them. One foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him. The robber asked if anyone else had seen his face. One customer, gazing intently at the ground, said "I think my wife got a glimpse"

A guy buys his first motorcycle. The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting. A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house. Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break. After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her. Silence. Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table. Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance. The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket. "OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"