Joke #6592

Q: What has two legs and bleeds? A: Half a cat.
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In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they talk and drive sportscars. An owl enters a psychologist's office. The psychologist says to the owl, "What is your problem?" The owl replies, "I always sleep at night and am awake during the day. I am an owl and we usually are awake during the night." The psychologist tells the owl to come back in two days to solve his problem, as he is very busy. The next night, a cat comes in. He says, "I always sleep during the day. Like my friends, I want to sleep during the night. Can you help?" The psychologist advises the cat to come back in one day, as he is very busy. The next day, the cat comes very, very, very early for his appointment and ends up at the same time as the owl. The cat is told to wait outside. He peeks in the owl's appointment and figures out his problem... and his address! During the next evening, when the owl usually comes in for his appointment, the cat comes in. The psychologist asks the cat why he is here instead of the owl. The cat replies, "He is here!" and poops on the floor, explaining, "I was sent to deliver him."
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Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead of Spot? Because he didn't want people running around the White House saying, "come Spot, come Spot!"
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Q: How do you recycle a condom? A: Turn it inside out and shake the f**k out of it.
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What's the warmest organ in a dead woman's body? My dick.
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Q: What's the difference between hockey player and hippie girl? A: Hockey player will take shower after 3 periods.
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What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school? I'll see you next period.
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Q: How do you make a cat go ‘woof’? A: Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.
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A man goes to the doctor about the size if his penis. He says to the doctor "My penis is too small." Doctor gives the man some medicine, says "Drink this everytime you bump into something your penis will grow an inch." So the man thanks the doctor and leaves. He drinks the medicine on his way home he bumps into a lampot so his penis grew an inch. Just a little further down the road he bumps into an Indian guy. A thousand apologies, he penis grows one thousand inches, baffled by his extra long penis he decides to paint it red, hite and blue, and wrapped it round his neck, he decides to go to the cinema, he was watching a dirty movie, sat on the top of the row of seats, all of a sudden this voice comes on the speaker. "Can the man with the red white and blue scarf stop chucking ice cream to the people below?"
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If Chuck Norris were a cat he would have ten lives.
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Q: What do parsley and pubic hair have in common? A: You push them both aside when you eat.
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