Hey, did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late to the dinner party?
They gave him the cold shoulder! 
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An old man and a young man work together in an office.
The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies.
"Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."
Q: What's the difference between hockey player and hippie girl?
A: Hockey player will take shower after 3 periods.
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Q: How do you recycle a condom?
A: Turn it inside out and shake the f**k out of it.
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A young, innocent couple goes on their honeymoon.
They get naked and jump into bed, but neither knows what to do.
Eventually, they decide to rub their noses together.
After awhile, they decide to rub their toes together.
Finally, they begin to rub their hips together.
Suddenly, the man jumps up and runs to the bathroom.
After several minutes, he returns to the bedroom, looking scared.
"What happened?" asks his bride.
"I don't know," he replies, "but something curdled my urine!"
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Why did the semen cross the road?
Because I wore the wrong sock today.
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Q: Why do you put babies into a blender feet first?
A: So you can see the look in their eyes when you turn it on!
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What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.
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A man goes to the doctor about the size if his penis.
He says to the doctor "My penis is too small."
Doctor gives the man some medicine, says "Drink this everytime you bump into something your penis will grow an inch."
So the man thanks the doctor and leaves.
He drinks the medicine on his way home he bumps into a lampot so his penis grew an inch.
Just a little further down the road he bumps into an Indian guy.
A thousand apologies, he penis grows one thousand inches, baffled by his extra long penis he decides to paint it red, hite and blue, and wrapped it round his neck, he decides to go to the cinema, he was watching a dirty movie, sat on the top of the row of seats, all of a sudden this voice comes on the speaker.
"Can the man with the red white and blue scarf stop chucking ice cream to the people below?"
What’s harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree?
Nailing it to a dead puppy.
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Some advice for guys: When the red river's flowin', take the dirt road.
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