Hey, did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late to the dinner party?
They gave him the cold shoulder! 
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A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate.
So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch.
Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too.
Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week.
Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each.
The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
"S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.
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Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at a nursing home.
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What's funner then nailing bin Laden to a tree?
Feeding his lifeless corpse into a meat grinder.
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What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
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What has 4 legs and one arm?
A Doberman in a children’s playground!
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I see, said the blind man, peeing into the wind.
It's all coming back to me now.
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One day, a guy walks out from a shop to see someone PISSING on his Ferrari.
"Hey," says the man. "Why are you pissing on my Ferrari?"
"Because I feel like it."
"Tell you what -- I won't report you to the police if you can keep up with my Ferrari."
"Whatever."
So the guy gets in his car and drives off, going faster and faster, until he's hit 100 miles per hour.
Amazingly, the guy is still keeping up.
"I'm amazed," says the driver. "How are you keeping up?"
"It's easy," says the running man, "when your d**k is stuck in the door."
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What does a cannibal eat with cheese?
Pickled organs.
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Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
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Why did God give women legs?
So they don't leave a trail like a slug.
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