Hey, did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late to the dinner party?
They gave him the cold shoulder! 
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A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers.
He rushes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."
"But I don't have the fingers!"
"Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor.
"Doc, I couldn't pick them up."
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Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today?
A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
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Q: Did you hear about the depressed proctologist?
A: He's been feeling down in the dumps.
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A businessman returns from the far east.
After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis.
He sees several doctors.
They all say: "You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off."
The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it.
So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.
The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"
The man replies, "Yes a few in the USA."
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."
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Q: What's the difference between apple pie and pussy?
A: You can eat Granmas apple pie.
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What is more disgusting than a pile of 100 dead babies?
One live one in the middle is eating its way out.
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Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other?
A: Together, we can stop this sh*t.
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Never hold in a fart; that's something an asshole would do.
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What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
When you take sausage out of the fridge it doesn't fart.
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An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table.
Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body.
When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt.
Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's butt.
Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place.
He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!"
Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery."
When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork.
Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly replaced the cork in the cadaver's butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"
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