To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their accomplice. To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faces the opposing lawyers. ‘Both of you have given me a bribe,’ he says. ‘You, Tom, gave me £15,000. And you, Harry, gave me £10,000.’ The judge reaches into his pocket, pulls out a cheque, and hands it to Tom. ‘I’m returning £5,000, and we’ll now decide this case solely on its merits.’
Why don’t lawyers enjoy fishing? Because it’s too much like work, what with all the lying involved.
A doctor and a lawyer are involved in a car crash. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor is a little shaken up, offers him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, has a drink and hands back the flask. The lawyer puts it in his pocket. ‘Aren’t you having one yourself?’ asks the doctor. ‘Sure,’ says the lawyer. ‘But I’ll wait till after the police leave.’
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"
Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?” Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"
30 degrees... It was so cold out today that even the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"