What went through the fly's mind as he hit the windshield?
His Butt!
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In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they talk and drive sportscars.
An owl enters a psychologist's office.
The psychologist says to the owl, "What is your problem?"
The owl replies, "I always sleep at night and am awake during the day. I am an owl and we usually are awake during the night."
The psychologist tells the owl to come back in two days to solve his problem, as he is very busy.
The next night, a cat comes in.
He says, "I always sleep during the day. Like my friends, I want to sleep during the night. Can you help?"
The psychologist advises the cat to come back in one day, as he is very busy.
The next day, the cat comes very, very, very early for his appointment and ends up at the same time as the owl.
The cat is told to wait outside.
He peeks in the owl's appointment and figures out his problem... and his address!
During the next evening, when the owl usually comes in for his appointment, the cat comes in.
The psychologist asks the cat why he is here instead of the owl.
The cat replies, "He is here!" and poops on the floor, explaining,
"I was sent to deliver him."
How can you tell if a porno was made in the 70's?
The guys' schlongs have sideburns!
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There was this guy who was sick,so he went to the doctor.
The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine.
The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.
"I'm going to need to run a few more tests", the doctor said.
"I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample".
After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"
"He needs a pair of your underwear".
Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
A: At least when you are eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.
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What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
See ya next month.
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Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers.
The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."
The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."
The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt."
The first and second boys where amazed.
The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"
"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."
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Why did the semen cross the road?
Because I wore the wrong sock today.
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Q: What's the hardest thing about a sex change from a man to a woman?
A: Inserting the anchovies
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Once upon a time, there was a very happy, long-married couple who ran a small farm.
They loved each other and all, there was just one problem – the guy farted incredibly, and enjoyed ripping seriously loud ones in bed especially.
The wife complained for years, pleaded – in vain.
"One day, you'll spill your guts out, you mark my words!" was the lady's frequent closing warning.
Then one Thanksgiving morning, gutting the turkey, she had a stroke of genius.
She took all the turkey's guts and went to their bedroom and quietly slipped them under the still sleeping man's covers.
"That'll teach him!" she thought with satisfaction and went back to her work.
At 10 the man was still nowhere to be seen – quite shocking for a farmer – and she was starting to worry when finally her husband came down – walking a little strange, wearing an even stranger expression.
"You were right about the farting, Ida," he panted, "I'm ashamed to admit that I did fart my guts out. But with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, all is right again!"
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What is grosser than gross?
When you're kissing Grandma and she slips you the tongue.
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