Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person’s got, you wish you’d ordered that.
Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: After a year the dog is still happy to see you.
What is the difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
Wife: "Every sunday you go for fishing, right?" Husband: "Yeah... Why?" Wife: "Today the fish came here and told she's pregnant."
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: "Have you any grounds?" "Yes, an acre and half and nice little home." "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It made of concrete." "I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?" "No, we have carport, and not need one." "I mean. What are your relations like?" "All my relations still in Poland." "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player." "Does your wife beat you up?" "No, I always up before her." "Is your wife a nagger?" "No, she white." "Why do you want this divorce?" "She going to kill me." "What makes you think that?" "I got proof." "What kind of proof?" "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom." "I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover.'"
‘Why don’t you go home to your wife. Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she won’t notice any difference.’ Groucho Marx
A drunk phones the police to report that thieves have been in his car. ‘They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,’ he cries out… ‘Oh hang on. I’m in the back seat.’
A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling "Who’s been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don’t have enough ammo, mate!"
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by re-walking their first walk together. They come to the fence against which they first made love. The husband says, "Come on, for old time's sake." The wife agrees and they both undress. Afterwards, the husband says, "You're even better than you were 30 years ago." His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"