A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it’s no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”. The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but oats every day? He fell in love with the Grand National winner!
What does an octopus take on a camping trip? Tentacles.
What happened when the lion ate the comedian? He felt funny.
Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? The Captains Dinghy!
What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk? An udder failure.
What are the most athletic rodents? Track and field mice.
Q. What's black and white and green? A. A frog sitting on a newspaper.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says: "Dam"