How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles.
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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned:
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied:
"That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
If the box says:
"This software requires Windows XP or better"
Does that mean it'LL run on Linux?
What do cows read at the breakfast table?
The moospaper.
Q: What did the emu say to the nurse?
A: Mend her bones or walk the plank
Q: What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
A: He was booked for a salt and battery.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.
Vote:
A bloke walks into a bar in the bush to discover a 44 gallon drum almost overflowing with $20 notes.
He sits at the bar and orders a beer.
A short while later one of the locals gets up, throws $20 into the drum and walks out the back.
He soon returns shaking his head disgruntled and sits down.
Five more minutes pass when another local does exactly the same.
The bloke asks the bartender what is the go with the drum full of 20's .
The bartender says that they have a donkey out the back that has never laughed in its life.
So you simply throw in the $20 and have a go, if the donkey laughs then the drum and its contents are yours.
Been going ten years so far.
The young bloke gets up, throws his 20 into the drum and proceeds out the back.
Within seconds the donkey his laughing its head off.
As he strolls back inside all the locals ask what he did but he won't say and simply takes the drum full of cash and leaves.
10 years goes past and the young bloke decides to pay the pub another visit.
This time he sees a drum overflowing with $50 notes in the middle of the room.
He goes up to the bar tender and asks again what the deal is with the drum.
The bartender says that they have the same donkey still out the back and seeing as he had made it laugh, the deal was you now had to make it cry but it was a 50 not a 20.
The young bloke gets up, throws in his 50 and goes out the back.
About a minute later the donkey is crying his eyes out and the young man returns to the bar.
The locals beg him to tell them how he has done it as it has cost them a fortune attempting it.
The young bloke says that to make him laugh he told the donkey his member was bigger than the donkeys.
Everyone sighed and understood how easy that was and why didn't they think of it.
Now they demanded to know what tactic he had used to make the donkey cry so miserably.
The young bloke replied that it was quite simple as well, he just showed it to him.